I Ain't Never
by svlpjes16
Summary: Daryl's thought process as the group settles down in the prison. "I ain't sleepin' in no cage". Daryl decided a long time ago never to end up like his degenerate father or his delinquent brother, Merle. He promised himself he'd never spend a single night in jail, and just because everything else in the world has changed, doesn't mean his promise has. Rated T for language.


_**Hey guys, I had an idea for this one-shot, and re-watching the first episode of season 3 really motivated me to actually write it. I hope you guys like it! Please read and review, and also check out my other story, "He Was Looking At Me." **_

_**I really like Daryl's character, and I couldn't help but think that he would have a much similar mindset when living in the prison as to the one I am going to depict. I especially like the depth to his character, and the emotional, sympathetic, kind side that is not too freely displayed. Please let me know what you guys think! Thanks!**_

"I ain't sleepin' in no cage"

Hell no. I ain't gunna be like my daddy. Or Merle. Fuckin' jackass of a brother that son of a bitch is. I decided that a long time ago. I ain't gunna be locked up. Bad enough we're stuck in this fuckin' place. I ain't getting' behind no bars.

I was five when I decided never to sleep a single night in jail. 'Member it clearly too. Made a damn promise an' everythin'.

My daddy was in the state penn. Robbery. Assault. Rape. No clue what the hell the bastard was in fo' that time. Too many damn charges to count. Too many freakin' times.

So, I knew it wasn't him when the cops came to my house that night. Not this time anyway. Hadn't seen Merle in a few days. Knew it was him. Usually happened that way.

I answered the door. Five years old. Daddy in jail. Delinquent brother. High mamma. Who the hell else was gunna do it?

'Member trying to act tough in front of that cop. But, he'd been there too many times to fool 'im. Tried anyway.

"_Hey, Daryl, your mom home?"_ Cop knew my damn first name. Been there that many times. Fuckin' mystery why he ain't never called child protective services or some shit. The hell with it. Never would'a gone with 'em anyway.

'Member tryin' to wake her up. She was lyin' in bed like she always did when she was using. Thing was, I didn't know that was the reason until a few years later. Thought she was just tired. Thought it was me.

Course she didn't wake up easily. Smacked me right across the face when she did.

"_Damn it, what the hell you want boy?" _Boy. My name when she was high. Usually forgot my real one. Sometimes she forgot she had a little boy too. Mind went back or some shit, I don't know. She knew 'bout Merle. But me? I might as well not have existed.

"_Police are here again" _

"_What the hell you call the police for?"_ She jumped up. Fell back. Took a swing. Missed.

"_I didn't. They just came-"_

"_You talkin' back to me, you little shit? You think I ain't a good mother? You little bastard-"_

"_Excuse me_" The cop came in. I left him at the door. He came in on his own. Guess that was his way of helpin'. Pretty grateful for it, too. Ain't never would'a told him that though.

"_Who the hell you think you are? Comin' in my house? I ain't done nothin' wrong!" _

"_I'm here about your son, Mrs. Dixon."_ He looked at me. Smiled that sad smile I always got. Hated that.

"_My son's right here. Ain't done nothin' wrong, either"_

Cop put his hand on my shoulder. Pulled me back a little. _"I'm talking about Merle, Mrs. Dixon. We've arrested him again. I'm afraid there's nothing preventing him from going back to juvy this time."_

Merle was being sentenced to juvy. Again. Asshole was seve'teen and been locked up half his life. Five years old, I'd lived longer without my brother than with him. Not sure which was better. When he was there, probably. At least then the beatin's were split.

"_You jackass, Merle's right here! Been here all day. Ain't done nothing!" _

Cop pulled me a little closer. Squeezed my shoulder. _"This is your other son, Mrs. Dixon. Daryl."_

"_I ain't got no other son. Never even heard that name in my life."_ Should'a been used to it. Happened all the damn time. But, I guess something 'bout your mamma denying you exist never stops hurtin'.

Cop gave me that look again. Tried to show I didn't care. Sniffed quickly. Rubbed my eyes. Dixon's don't cry.

"_Ma'am, I think you need to come with me."_ He saw the stash on the table. No idea what she was on. Too many damn things. Too much of it all.

"_I ain't goin' nowhere" _

"_I'm sorry, but that's not an option"_ He was calm, that cop. Kept looking at me. Knew he felt bad. Also knew there was nothin' he could do. I was used to it. But, I knew he cared. Knew he tried. More than any other fuckin' person ever did. And I was grateful to him for that.

He pushed me back. _"Daryl, why don't you go outside or something? Play in your room, alright buddy?"_

Is that what normal five year olds did? They didn't practice shooting their daddy's guns? They didn't clean up their mamma's drug stash? They didn't look out the window for hours straight waitin' for their dumbass older brother to finally show up? _That's _what was normal to me. Ain't never known nothing different.

I didn't move. I wished I did. That freakin' image is still stuck in my head today. But, it did lead me to make that promise. Bad as that may be. Just have to look at it that way, I guess. It's the silver linin' or whatever the fuck they call it.

Cop asked her to get up. She wouldn't. He leaned in. She slapped him. He reached for her arms. She bit him. He picked her up. She kicked. He wrapped his arms around her. She screamed. He cuffed her. She cried. He dragged her toward the door. She struggled. She flailed. She shouted. She yelled. She punched.

I cried.

Dixon's don't cry? Yea, well it don't seem like no one else ever had to deal with that fuckin' rule. I was the _only _Dixon that had to see all that. That ain't fair. That ain't right. Fuckin' five years old.

Daddy in prison.

Brother in juvy.

Mother in jail.

Me. Alone. At home. Again.

Maybe that cop called that child service place, maybe not. I have no freakin' clue. Either way they gave up on us years before that. They'd be called. They'd come. Momma and Daddy would refuse to let 'em in. They'd leave. Just walked away. Probably heard my screams all the way down the driveway. Half hoped they did.

Either way, I was alone again. Merle was gone. Had no idea for how long this time. But, any time is too long when you're five years old. And alone.

Ain't got no relatives to stay with. And the ones we got left got out of our lives years before. They walked away too. Guess their own lives were too damn important. Didn't matter. I was alone.

'Member lyin' in that bed for hours. Thinkin' to myself. Cryin'. I didn't no when I'd ever see my daddy or mamma again. Didn't know when Merle'd be back, either. And, the more I thought about it the sadder I got. But, as the sad minutes turned into hours, I 'member how it turned into anger.

Anger that they'd all be so fuckin' selfish. Anger that none of them, not one of them, gave a shit about me. Anger that at five years old I already knew more about how to care for someone, how to treat people, than the three of them combined would ever know. No clue where I picked that up. Sure as hell wasn't at home. Not from those people. That's damn straight.

And I 'member it clearly. Lyin' in bed in the dark. Starin' at the cielin'. Decidin' right then and there to never be like them. I _wasn't_ like them. And I never wanted to be. I wasn't ever gonna be either. They were jackasses. All of 'em. Selfish, degeneret, assholes. And, I'd never be like them. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't let myself.

I knew what if felt like. The disappointment. That my daddy cared more about bangin' some slut than he ever did me. That my momma loved that hallucinogenic shit more than she ever did her son. That my brother would rather join the neighborhood gang, run drugs, and steal shit than spend even a minute with his little brother. Realizing that nobody in the entire world gave a fuck about me, let alone the people who were supposed to care the most. Nobody cared about me except me. Tough shit to realize at five.

But I made myself a promise. Because I _did_ care more about me than any a' them did. I cared too much to ever let myself become one of 'em. So, I climbed outta bed right then and there. Grabbed my school notebook off my table and a pen. Starred at it for a while. Then wrote the best I could:

_Me, Daryl Dixon ain't neva' gunna be like 'em. I'm different and I ain't neva' gunna forget it. I ain't neva' gunna go to jail. I ain't neva' gunna hurt nobody. I ain't neva' gunna do drugs. I ain't neva' gunna take what ain't mine. I ain't neva' gunna be like 'em. They all wrong. I ain't neva' gunna let my family down. I ain't neva' gunna let nobody down. I'm different.I I ain't neva' gunna break none a' those either._

Kept that paper too. Torn and everythin'. Never threw it away. Meant everything to me. Always had it with me. I wasn't ever gunna be like them. And, it constantly reminded me.

Must'a looked at that ratty old paper a thousand times over the years. But, it was always there. Always kept it. And it always helped.

Looked at it when my daddy was home from prison beatin' on me again. Every time I'd get a kick or punch, and run to my room cryin', tryin' to get away. Whenever Merle'd come home, drunk of his ass and high as a kite, cuts covering his face, and cops right behin' him. Each time mamma'd get high, say some more mean shit, and convince herself I wasn't real. Every time Merle'd try to make me follow in his sorry ass footsteps. Join his friends. Run his drugs. Every time. All the time.

And, as I stood there looking at the dirty cells in that row, I took that crumpled paper out again. Ripped, and paper all soft. Looked at it. My five year old chicken scratch. But, it was clear to me.

"I ain't sleepin' in no cage" I said quickly.

_Me Daryl Dixon ain't neva' gunna be like 'em. I'm different and I ain't neva' gunna forget it. I ain't neva' gunna go to jail. I ain't neva' gunna hurt nobody. I ain't neva' gunna do drugs. I ain't neva' gunna take what ain't mine. I ain't neva' gunna be like 'em. They all wrong. I ain't neva' gunna let my family down. I ain't neva' gunna let nobody down. I'm different.I promise. And I ain't never gunna break none a' those either._

I promised. And, I was never gunna break it. I wasn't gunna be like those bastards. I was different. I was better. I _knew_ better. I wasn't like them. Ain't never gunna be.

And not even the fuckin' end of the world was gunna change that.

"I aint' sleepin' in no cage."

_**Thanks for reading guys! I really appreciate it! Please let me know what you think! Thanks, again!**_


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